Many times I have heard that God speaks in whispers. I have always answered that with, "Not in my world!" God has always been a loud, booming voice in my mind, or coming from the mouth of a friend or family memeber, or even a stranger. I learned this week HOW God whispers to me!
The idea of someone whispering to me, seems quite illogical. I can hardly make out the sound of my own voice over the din in my life most days. If it's not the TV, or the radio, or the kids, or the dogs next door, or any other number of things going on in the background, it's all the thoughts that are running around in my brain, even when I TRY to sit quietly!
In the last 2 weeks (of which have been insanely busy!) I have cried twice. Only twice, I swear! Once I knew why I was crying, but the second occasion, left me completely speachless. I had no explaination for the source of my tears.
I was re-assured by my many classmates that tears are the Holy Spirit's way of speaking to us, and it's ok to cry, tears are good signs. All of these things I had heard before and at that moment, while I felt utterly ridiculous for the outburst, these words still held little comfort.
I pondered throughout the rest of the afternoon, and well into the evening about why I seem to, oh so suddenly and inexplicable burst into tears, and frequently it seems.
It was last night, just before I dozed off, that the realization dawned on me! I know exactly WHY, or at least have a great theory about why, the tears where flowing AND where they were coming from, and I finally figured out what the Holy Spirit had to do with it all.
I will try to explain it but, as was uttered in class yesterday, God is too big for words! So here's my attempt. It seems that God perhaps would like to stop yelling at me (in spite of the fact that I love that way of clear, unmistakable communication). He wants to be able to whisper to me. The trouble is, I don't hear it. I think it might be because I'm not used to listening for it. (It's taken me 6 years to hear the yelling clearly!) My thought is, that God needs to get my attention some how so He sends the Holy Spirit to tug at my heart. That tugging causes tears. (I should mention, that crying in public is one of the most embarrassing, horrible things I could do!) By crying, I am humbled and in a position to really listen to what God is saying.
I still can't hear the message clearly, however. I think I will have to test out this theory and see where it leads.
Unexplained tears = God wants to whipser, Pay attention.
When the tears come for no logical reason, I need to really focus on what triggered them, and listen more closely for God's whipser.
I'm not saying that I'll cry less from now on (sorry folks!) but I think this might be a growing point for me.
I'm very excited to realize that the tears don't mean I'm completely insane after all!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Orientation Day!
So, today was the official Orientation Day! I thought I would be terrified, perhaps, as is usual for me, I thought I might actually cry the whole drive in this morning. Turns out, I didn't. (Barb - you'd be proud!!)
My alarm went off about 6:40am (a completely obscene time of day for me!)and as I laid there, contemplating what to put on, I couldn't help but to think of the beautiful weather and how I was going to have to find something comfortable, dressy-ish, and cool for the day in my closet. I rolled out of bed and (eventually) made my way to the closet. I opened the door, and once again cursed the person who created it as it is the most completely disfunctional space ever created! To understand, you have to imagine, a closet that runs the entire span of my room (approximately 15') completely walled off, with only 1 regular sized door to get it. Once inside the 18" wide hallway, I travel to the back where my clothes are and realize, there is really no point trying to pull anything out as it is still pitch black! I stumble back out of the closet/hallway over shoes and make my way to the main floor, muttering to myself about why I would have ever removed the flashlight from the room in the first place.
Returning to the closet, flashlight in hand, I pull out an outfit that seems to match. Upon emerging from the black hole, my darling husband starts to stir, and as he rolls over he says, "So, do you think that perhpas you should set out your clothes the night before?" So now you know, my loving, supportive hubby, is also just plain brilliant!
After dressing, and 3 pairs of underware later to solve the pantyline issue, I was ready to go.
I headed out into the hallway, where my middle child was stiring, and the darling calls out, "I love you mom! Have a good day!" I stop in the doorway to blow him a kiss, and to see the smallest of my angels still sound asleep.
Down the stairs I creep (as much as one can creep in an old house with squeeky stairs) when my oldest, and only girl says, "Is Dad still home?" I assured her that he was, and that he may need her help getting the boys lunch ready, kiss her goodbye and head to the kitchen.
One last quick stop to toss the lunch prepared the night before into the lunch bag, and I am off. All this and it's only 7:15am!
The drive to the school was sunny and beautiful. Shortly after leaving town, my cell phone rings, and it's one of my great friends calling to wish me a good day! We speak briefly (with the aid of bluetooth!) and make plans to meet for lunch.
I arrive at the school, with a few minutes to spare, and make one last call home to make sure that everything is going well, and Mike has found all the lunch foods. After reminding him where to find the kettle (it's been in the same location for more than 6 months!) and after he asures me that all is fine, I head to chapel.
Entering the halls, I see a few students that I reconginze from the open house I attended in the spring, and feel, strangly ... comfortable.
Chapel was, well, church. The 2 things I will always remember of this particular service will be the Dean's opening statements of his sermon, where he told the story about how he had wanted to take the opportunity to tell someone to 'go to hell'. That was a, holy cow moment. Apparently, the first sermon of my schooling illustrated how priests are still human. (In the Dean's defence, there was much more to this sermon, but this is the story that will stick with me!) The second thing that will always stick with me, was that the host and wine used in their Eucharist, was... well.... terrible!! The host was thick and stale tasting, and not even the wine could wash away the terrible taste of it! Now, I've been communing for many years, and I can honestly say, I have never had a wafer that was ever this thick, hard, and yucky before! I wasn't sure if I was allowed to chew it, or if I had to wait for it to dissolve in my mouth. It certainly didn't help that as I was kneeling at the rail, I also happened to have the great privilege to be positioned directly in front of the Dean's knees! What to do, chew or pray it dissolved?? So, I tried, as discreetly as I could to break up the wafer before the cup came by.
As chapel ended, we all made our way to the Great Hall for the info session. I joined a group of fellow students, new and old, as well as faculty, new and old for 1 hour of info and icebreakers.
This all went well, and I was surprised to find that I was very comfortable.
After this, one of the 3rd year students that I had previously met, took me on a quick tour and introduced me to one of his friends. While we were standing in the sun, the Rector of the college appeared. This man I had met before at services. We had sang in a choir together, and he had led a number of services that I had been participating in. He is a large man, and in all his robes, he brings to mind, Hagrid from the Harry Potter series. The man, by all accounts, is a big, gentle, teddy bear, however, standing next to him, was definately an intimidating moment. He engages the other students in conversation and makes the connection of where we had met. I was once again amazed at the human-ness of this man. He was, a big, gentle, teddy bear. As this realization dawns of me, I look up and him and blurt out, "wow... you are not as scary as I first thought!" Now that brought some chuckles, and required some explaining, so I shared that I had always been kinda intimidated by him, but was glad to see that it was un-necessary, and would be sure to stop in at his office for a chat at a later date.
At this point, my phone rang, and my girl friend was ready to meet for lunch. I said my goodbyes and headed to meet her. We drove down to the mall to pick up some necessities, and lunch.
I returned back to campus an hour early for the Dean's Reception, so I headed to a lounge that my new friend Marty had showed me. There I found 2 other new students, and we spent the next hour talking and getting to know each other.
We were eventually joined by a few more students, and a professor who was also new to the school.
The reception was a nice opportunity to meet and mingle with other students of all years.
I returned home, and by 8:30pm, I was officially exhausted. Seems these early mornings are going to be harder than I thought! That said, I now must turn in for the night. There will be lots more to share I'm sure as classes start tomorrow at 8:30am!!
My alarm went off about 6:40am (a completely obscene time of day for me!)and as I laid there, contemplating what to put on, I couldn't help but to think of the beautiful weather and how I was going to have to find something comfortable, dressy-ish, and cool for the day in my closet. I rolled out of bed and (eventually) made my way to the closet. I opened the door, and once again cursed the person who created it as it is the most completely disfunctional space ever created! To understand, you have to imagine, a closet that runs the entire span of my room (approximately 15') completely walled off, with only 1 regular sized door to get it. Once inside the 18" wide hallway, I travel to the back where my clothes are and realize, there is really no point trying to pull anything out as it is still pitch black! I stumble back out of the closet/hallway over shoes and make my way to the main floor, muttering to myself about why I would have ever removed the flashlight from the room in the first place.
Returning to the closet, flashlight in hand, I pull out an outfit that seems to match. Upon emerging from the black hole, my darling husband starts to stir, and as he rolls over he says, "So, do you think that perhpas you should set out your clothes the night before?" So now you know, my loving, supportive hubby, is also just plain brilliant!
After dressing, and 3 pairs of underware later to solve the pantyline issue, I was ready to go.
I headed out into the hallway, where my middle child was stiring, and the darling calls out, "I love you mom! Have a good day!" I stop in the doorway to blow him a kiss, and to see the smallest of my angels still sound asleep.
Down the stairs I creep (as much as one can creep in an old house with squeeky stairs) when my oldest, and only girl says, "Is Dad still home?" I assured her that he was, and that he may need her help getting the boys lunch ready, kiss her goodbye and head to the kitchen.
One last quick stop to toss the lunch prepared the night before into the lunch bag, and I am off. All this and it's only 7:15am!
The drive to the school was sunny and beautiful. Shortly after leaving town, my cell phone rings, and it's one of my great friends calling to wish me a good day! We speak briefly (with the aid of bluetooth!) and make plans to meet for lunch.
I arrive at the school, with a few minutes to spare, and make one last call home to make sure that everything is going well, and Mike has found all the lunch foods. After reminding him where to find the kettle (it's been in the same location for more than 6 months!) and after he asures me that all is fine, I head to chapel.
Entering the halls, I see a few students that I reconginze from the open house I attended in the spring, and feel, strangly ... comfortable.
Chapel was, well, church. The 2 things I will always remember of this particular service will be the Dean's opening statements of his sermon, where he told the story about how he had wanted to take the opportunity to tell someone to 'go to hell'. That was a, holy cow moment. Apparently, the first sermon of my schooling illustrated how priests are still human. (In the Dean's defence, there was much more to this sermon, but this is the story that will stick with me!) The second thing that will always stick with me, was that the host and wine used in their Eucharist, was... well.... terrible!! The host was thick and stale tasting, and not even the wine could wash away the terrible taste of it! Now, I've been communing for many years, and I can honestly say, I have never had a wafer that was ever this thick, hard, and yucky before! I wasn't sure if I was allowed to chew it, or if I had to wait for it to dissolve in my mouth. It certainly didn't help that as I was kneeling at the rail, I also happened to have the great privilege to be positioned directly in front of the Dean's knees! What to do, chew or pray it dissolved?? So, I tried, as discreetly as I could to break up the wafer before the cup came by.
As chapel ended, we all made our way to the Great Hall for the info session. I joined a group of fellow students, new and old, as well as faculty, new and old for 1 hour of info and icebreakers.
This all went well, and I was surprised to find that I was very comfortable.
After this, one of the 3rd year students that I had previously met, took me on a quick tour and introduced me to one of his friends. While we were standing in the sun, the Rector of the college appeared. This man I had met before at services. We had sang in a choir together, and he had led a number of services that I had been participating in. He is a large man, and in all his robes, he brings to mind, Hagrid from the Harry Potter series. The man, by all accounts, is a big, gentle, teddy bear, however, standing next to him, was definately an intimidating moment. He engages the other students in conversation and makes the connection of where we had met. I was once again amazed at the human-ness of this man. He was, a big, gentle, teddy bear. As this realization dawns of me, I look up and him and blurt out, "wow... you are not as scary as I first thought!" Now that brought some chuckles, and required some explaining, so I shared that I had always been kinda intimidated by him, but was glad to see that it was un-necessary, and would be sure to stop in at his office for a chat at a later date.
At this point, my phone rang, and my girl friend was ready to meet for lunch. I said my goodbyes and headed to meet her. We drove down to the mall to pick up some necessities, and lunch.
I returned back to campus an hour early for the Dean's Reception, so I headed to a lounge that my new friend Marty had showed me. There I found 2 other new students, and we spent the next hour talking and getting to know each other.
We were eventually joined by a few more students, and a professor who was also new to the school.
The reception was a nice opportunity to meet and mingle with other students of all years.
I returned home, and by 8:30pm, I was officially exhausted. Seems these early mornings are going to be harder than I thought! That said, I now must turn in for the night. There will be lots more to share I'm sure as classes start tomorrow at 8:30am!!
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