Week 2

This week has been overall a good week. There were two instances that stand out this week as good learning experiences. They were positive experiences for the most part, and I’m beginning to feel more confident in my role.
I will recount them in two separate sections as two separate incidents, and then come back to reflect on how they tie together.
The first event was my first real patient visit that happened this week. To start, my intention on this particular journey to the ward was not to visit with any patient, much less someone specific, but God seemed to have other plans. Since I had not been on this ward, except for the 45 minute morning medical conference, I had decided that with 35 min before needing to return to the group, I would wander up to this ward and introduce myself to the staff.
Upon arriving, I was cheerfully greeted by a group of people playing bridge. I introduced myself to the smiling faces, and found them to be very friendly and open. One of the ladies at the table was excited about the opportunity to talk. She asked to move to a more private location, and after quickly introducing myself to another staff member and informing them of where we were headed, I followed her to a quiet room.
Once inside, we sat opposite each other and I listened while she told me about what her life has been like for the last 50 years or so. I noticed that for a 70 year old woman, who had been the caregiver for just about all her life, she looked fantastic. While she was sharing her story, she was lively and animated, and engaging. It was at this time the social worker stopped in. She agreed to return at 2:30 which worked well for me because it was then that I knew I needed to return to the group as well. This patient continued to share but when she came to the events of the past week, her demeanour changed. She became weepy and emotional. This was where I had been afraid to go with someone else. I sat, listened, and internally checked in with myself and how I was doing. I was aware of people walking outside the window. I could see them in my peripheral vision, but I didn’t lose focus on the patient. I knew that I wanted to reach across the table and take her hand to comfort her, but chose to sit with my hands in my lap not becoming attached to this person. I was able to engage, and listen and journey through her story without being pulled in. I remained tear-free. This was a great accomplishment for me. As she came back into a positive frame of mind, the social worker re-appeared and I said goodbye, and quickly moved back to the group time of the afternoon.
Over all, I was feeling good about this visit, and how I engaged in it.
The second experience this week, happened at Parkwood, when we watched the movie Wit. The movie was very interesting, however, I was surprised by it. It had been recommended by a classmate as a real tear jerker of a movie, and I found that with 20 minutes remaining the movie, my eyes were dry, and I was feeling little emotion at all. I know that to be true as I looked at my watch to see how much longer I would have to sit still. It wasn’t much more than 5 minutes after that, when something triggered and major emotional response. I could not pin point what it was the triggered it. I had been sitting through the entire movie with a friend sitting next to me who cried through the entire thing, without feeling anything. It wasn’t until the patient’s mentor arrived and crawled into bed with her that the flood gates opened.
Looking at this puzzling outburst of emotion, I have identified a few things in me that may have caused this. I think it may surround guilt and perhaps some grief. Guilt that perhaps is unfounded, but still present. I found myself feeling slightly guilty that I had really felt little concern for this woman personally, although feeling some emotion surrounding her treatment as a human. This person that was her mentor, that she had long forgotten about and appeared to have moved out of relationship with, was the only person who came to her in her final hours. I felt a little ashamed that I was not more compassionate, if one can feel that for a movie character.
I also became aware of a story from my own life. When my grandfather passed away, I wasn’t there. I had said my good bye weeks earlier, and chose not to be in town when I knew he was nearing the end of his life. My daughter however, was there, and watching this mentor curl up in the bed with the patient in her final hours, reminded me of how my daughter had curled up with my grandfather. She was grateful for that gift, not only to her, but from her.
This is where the two stories intersect. The woman that I had met with the day before, told me of her mother’s death and how she was able to curl up with her and be there when her mother had passed. My comment was how that was a wonderful gift, to her and her mother. The story of my daughter bubbled up a bit in that meeting, but I was able to control it when I needed to focus on someone else. I was not so successful when there was not another live person in front of me that I needed to focus on. I suppose in the end, the reason for the emotion at the movie, is I allowed myself to focus on me, and my story.
To look at my learning, I’m not sure how any of this relates to my learning goals, except that I have been made aware of the fact that I can focus on someone else. I can walk with them through some darkness, where our stories rub shoulders a little, without a meltdown. I can focus outside of me when it is required.
I'm almost sad to think that there are only 10 weeks left!