Week 3

This week was over all a very good week for me. There were moments of comfort and joy for me as well as some moments for learning.
This week, while leading worship, I felt rather comfortable in the over all process. Standing in front of a group of complete strangers has never felt so comfortable to me, and I was surprised that I wasn’t more nervous or worried. Instead, I was relaxed and happy to be doing what I was doing. While I did notice a small amount of anxiety rising over the message portion, I think it was received well. The message was certainly not anything I would ever share in a parish, as I knew I hadn’t spent enough time preparing it, but it seemed to suit well for this group of people.
Earlier in the week, I had a discussion with some of the patients that attend chapel regularly, and they had asked for more upbeat music, perhaps even some praise music, which I was happy to supply as prelude and postlude music. Adding in the confession was also helpful I think for myself and some of the patients. Having some ritual present was comforting.
I learned this week that I need more practice with thinking on my feet. There was a person in chapel that regularly interrupted. She had some great ideas that had I been able to think faster, I could have worked back into what I was doing. I am hoping that this will come with practice. There were many comments that when I played back in my head later, I saw a connection that I could have made.
I also stretched a little this week in extemporaneous prayer. I like to have my prayers well thought out ahead of time, so opening the floor to what other people want to pray for, then trying to come up with the right words on the spot is a little unnerving for me. However, with a little help from Paul, I even managed to pray for “the aliens” in what I felt was an appropriate manner. I wonder now though about being “appropriate” and what that means.
There was a moment this week that I was thinking about this incident and began to wonder about whether that was the right thing to do. Generally, I wouldn’t have allowed my children or youth to put forth such an idea, however, I wonder what the value is in honouring this person’s belief in aliens.
While reflecting on this particular event later in the week I was reminded of a paper I had written in the fall about the Nicene Creed, and how it was conceived as a political document, with just the right wording as to not offend anyone but rather to unify diverse groups of people. I began to compare that to my prayer. Is that what we had done? Prayed for something that was real to this man, but changed the wording to hold the possibility of meaning something different to someone else? I haven’t yet decided how I am feeling about that completely, but it certainly made me reflect a bit on words and clarity.
Reflecting on my learning goals, I was brought face to face with a boundary issue this week, that while it was minimal, made me realize very clearly what I was doing. After chapel a patient stopped me and had to tell me more about her thoughts and feelings. Wanting to be a good listener and a good chaplain, I stopped to listen. I was on my way to somewhere else, and while I did try to put her off, I began to feel slightly guilty for not stopping to listen, and so I did. I thought I had made it clear that I needed to be somewhere else, however, she still dragging me into her story telling. I felt a bit like a fly caught in a spider web. I offered a minute and before long, I felt entangled and unable to get out gracefully. Grateful once again for friends who managed to throw me a rope and pull me out, I realized that I need to be more clear in that boundary of saying not now. Looking at it now, I realize that this also happened during the chapel service and that this is something I will practice more intentionally.
This week I also learned a little about schizophrenia and what it looks like. I spoke with 2 separate patients who were very delusional on that day and now understand what that looks like. While there is still much more to learn about this illness for me, meeting it face to face was an interesting experience. I felt completely exhausted after these meetings, as though my mental capacity had been well tested. Just trying to follow the thought patterns was very difficult, adding to that the idea of attempting to piece something together to create a grounding was even more so.
Looking back on these visits, I realize that although this was mentally taxing on me, I did not experience any fear. I felt completely safe, and at points intrigued with their thought process and the stories they were sharing. While many of the things we hear are actually rather funny, I found that there was little funny in these stories. Both men truly believed in what they were saying, and shared with such openness and honesty, it was fascinating. I do need to remember for the next time, however, not to get so drawn in to the stories they are telling.
By far, the most exciting and rewarding event for me was meeting a woman named Marcia. I had seen her in the hallways, and around the building, but her demeanour and appearance frightened me. She appeared to be aggressive and angry. Although I was aware that at some point I would talk with her, I was not prepared to do that when the opportunity was thrust upon me. As it turns out, she is a very lovely lady. She has what I think is a very deep connection with her faith. She has told me many times this week of her confirmation and her desire to go back to St. Paul’s where this took place.
In spite of my reluctance, I have begun arrangements to accompany her to Eucharist next week at St Paul’s. I am looking forward to this, but also a little nervous about how to manage things should she become less pleasant. I am hoping that that won’t happen, and I suppose the only way to find out is to just jump in a try it out.
In looking at my learning goals this week, I think I have become a little more informed about mental illness, although I feel I still need a lot of exploring on how to engage in a pastoral care role.
I am becoming more confident each day in my role as chaplain. I am becoming more aware of themes and places that I can explore further each time I visit with someone. I am learning that being a chaplain doesn’t only mean listening to someone and helping them work through their trouble, it can also mean just spending time with them and sharing in their joys. I look forward to that each Friday afternoon in the Music group, and am looking forward to that in visiting with another patient I will be starting to read with.
I am finding that I am looking forward to the day each morning, more and more.